I love poetry. Its cadences, economy and brevity inspire me. I’ve even reviewed some on this blog. That said, I’m no good at it. I like reading it — and I learn some stuff from it. Here’s something I wrote to my ex:
Through deepest night and darkest hours, your smile and touch – your look, your wiles – bring me hope and care, love and madness.
In love is madness and in you is hope so pure so true, I go mad at times knowing this truth, because I don’t want you to slip away – it’d be fruitless and blue.
So I do stupid things like a child with fire, but I dowse those flames with guile because I admire.
I admire your heart, your soul and beauty; your kindness, your candour, you’re a cutie. Please bear with me, I’m still growing. Hopefully with you, forever, old, wise and with knowing.
Love you, babe.
Reading it back, obviously the structure could use some work. The syntax is pedestrian. I wrote it on an iPhone, so it looked ok on screen at the time. If the rhyme is read at a slower pace some of the rhymes stagnate. Also, certain allusions are missed by casual readers because I purposefully wrote it just for her. The images are hers. I wish I was a better writer, so each stanza did the job for her and for the casual reader. She hates anaphora, so I stayed away from that; though you may notice some assonance. The ‘child with fire’ simile is a small mouthful because of the word ‘like’ and it should be replaced with ‘as’. What do you think of the comma before ‘old’?
Anyway, reviewing poetry is an interesting thing. You can learn a lot about language, grammar and emotion. I should read more, and I recommend Poem Hunter. And if you must know, she broke my heart – now filled with sorrow, but a star does rise on each and every morrow.